Author's page

Monica Heisey

AUTHOR Monica Heisey

Monica Heisey

BIOGRAPHY

Monica Heisey is a full-time writer and part-time comedian who splits her time between London and her hometown of Toronto. Colleagues have described her as "jet-lagged." Her writing has appeared in VICE, Reader's Digest, the Huffington Post, The Toast, The Vagenda, noisey, and many other online and print publications. She is also the associate editor of Shedoesthecity.com. Her mum is really into her writing.

 

Follow her on twitter: @monicaheisey

And Google +.

AUTHORS ■

LATEST STORIES

witches of east end, spells, contemporary witch, modern witch

Features

Witches of East End: Spells for a contemporary witch

Here are some spells for the contemporary witch on the go. Use them wisely (or don't, dark magic seems fun too). 

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fashion, summer, weight,

Fashion

FEATURES Clothes for a chunky summer By Monica Heisey

That's it, enough. Time to put an end to the madness. For too long I and the rest of us have spent spring in a fearful sweat, working feverishly at the gym under vigilant watch by the tyrant known as “beach body.” 

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fitness, health, exercise,

Features

FEATURES I started doing fitness challenges and now I can’t stop By Monica Heisey

Some people are adrenaline junkies, others are hedonists, seeking out ever more indulgent sensory experiences. I chase completed tasks. Perhaps the least compelling interest of all time, it feels good to me to know I've done exactly the thing required. And now I've figured out how to apply this Nerd's Interest to fitness.

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conversation, social, polite, british,

Features

FEATURES How to extricate yourself from terrible conversations A primer for the terminally polite by Monica Heisey

How you spend your time is up to you. Which means you do not need to spend one more second of your life talking to this horrible man from accounting who you know is just sneaking looks at your boobs and has been talking about bitcoin for literally eight years, it feels like. You also do not need to talk to that girl from your old school who makes you feel bad about yourself and who just said "You're looking great... these days... good for you," like either you or she thinks that is a compliment. GET OUT OF THERE. Here are some helpful options for getting out of conversations you don't want to be in, because no one on their deathbed has ever said "Now that it's all over, I'm just glad I stayed in that conversation about vegan footwear, due to manners."

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bra, shopping, lingerie,

Features

FEATURES A thank you note to the woman in the fancy bra store who changed my life By Monica Heisey

Dear Judith,

 

At least, I think your name was Judith. I am ashamed to say that I am not sure I remember your name correctly, which feels especially wrong given how intimate a time we spent together. The twenty minutes or so that you spent measuring and poking and prodding my troublesome rack was, though I did not know it then, life-changing.

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sun protection, skin, beauty,

Features

FEATURES Sun Protection: get on board By Monica Heisey

After living in the UK for four years, I have learned a lot of things about "British culture". Namely, I have learned that I will never get UK vs. Great Britain correct and everyone will always be mad when I mess it up even though it is an honest mistake and I watch that YouTube video delineating the two at least once per week, and also that British people do NOT practice sun safety. Anyone who thinks British people love those "keep calm and carry on" mugs is wrong. What they love is being visibly sunburnt in foreign lands. Come on, guys, the advice was an unlikely #1 hit for a very long time in your country! Wear sunscreen already! Here is why it's very important, from a ginger, who would know: 

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pawn stars, cajun pawn stars, hardcore pawn,

Features

FEATURES An imagined conversation between Monica Heisey and an antiques dealer By Monica Heisey

INT. DAY. A stately home. The place is full of older people clutching artifacts from their attics, queuing up to see famed embroidery historians and celebrated antiquarians from all over the world. Just behind an older couple, a young woman, Monica stands smugly, dragging a garbage bag behind her. It is very full.

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nail art, controversial opinion, nail polish,

Fashion

FEATURES Controversial opinion: I don’t really get nail art By Monica Heisey

So. Nail art. It seems fun. Like really, truly, it looks like you have fun with it. All the DIY tips and nailspiration blogs and important Instagram hashtags. The way you hold the bottle so that all your nails AND the label are displayed at once. Exciting, really. Or at least it must be, for many many people, but it feels like I'm missing something. I just don't get it.

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curvy, weight, women, men, compliment, christina hendricks, boobs, bum,

Features

OPINION The word "curvy" is a condescending nightmare By Monica Heisey

Okay. So. My body is curved. In the immortal words of Sir Mix-a-Lot, we have a “little in the middle but she got much back” situation happening, here. I know that I’m ready for this jelly, because it’s mine and I’ve had it since I was 13. I own so many skinny belts for “defining my waist” I have a separate drawer for them all. Fine. I’m “curvy”. But I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to hear about it. I don’t want to know that I’m “great at dressing for my curves” or that I’m “not fat, I’m curvy,” or that “curves are like, what real women have.” I hate the word and I would strike it from the cultural lexicon immediately, given the choice. I’d let the hideous slang overlords keep “clunge” before I’d let them keep “curvy.” Here’s why I hate it:

 

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make-up, make up, make-up baby, red lips, lipstick, tutorial,

Fashion

TUTORIAL (SORT OF) MAKE-UP BABY #1: Red lips By Monica Heisey

Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition is on tonight (9pm here on Lifetime) and there are a whole bunch of kids up there on the stage with perfect make-up that maybe they did themselves or maybe their mums did but whatever happened: they’re making us feel a bit less good about our own personal make-up skills. Monica Heisey has no idea what she’s doing Dance Competition or no Dance Competition but she’s going to attempt to find out right here in front of you on the internet. 

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international women's day, iwd, twitter,

Features

FEATURES International Women's Day Twitter Bingo By Monica Heisey

Saturday the 8th of March, as you may or may not know, is International Women's Day. Or #InternationalWomensDay, to the Internet. And what does the Internet love more than a shared occasion to pile onto for LAFFS? Cats, I guess. And maybe doge. But almost nothing else. Here are some things to expect from today's festivities. First one to catch 'em all, Pokemon style, wins a free never-ending thread on their friend's Facebook about whether or not women can be funny that they joined by accident and now can't unfollow!

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bra, braless, boobs, breasts,

Features

OPINION Large-scale Bralessness Is the Way Forward By Monica Heisey

Many new additions to Team Free Nips cite Professor Jean-Denis Rouillon's much-written-about study, which measured the effects of bralessness on 320 women over 15 years, and found that women who eschewed the underwire actually had less sagging and fewer stretch marks over time. But what of the other concerns that come with burning your bra, metaphorically or literally, in a psuedo-pagan back garden ceremony with your best mates? Allow me to address these now:

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wide-legged trousers, fashion, skinny jeans, jeggins,

Fashion

FASHION Wide Leg Trousers Are Inevitable and I'm Scared By Monica Heisey

Wide leg trousers are coming for us.

 

I saw them coming a mile away. It makes sense, of course. For every action there's a reaction. Fashion moves in cycles. It's the Circle of Life, and it moves us all, through despair and hope, through faith and love. And one day, friends, one day soon, it's going to move us all into very wide-legged trousers. 

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tinder, internet, online dating, internet dating, dating, relationships, selfies,

Features

HELPFUL GUIDE How to order your Tinder pixxxxx (pictures) for maxxxxxx (maximum) sexxxxxx-ess (success) By Monica Heisey

There is something about my face that says “ask me for advice on your love life.” In the past few weeks I have helped no less than eight people—friends, strangers at bars, a man in my bed—put together their Tinder profiles, because “you seem like the kind of person who would be good at this sort of thing.” While Tinder’s “sort of thing” seems mainly to be sexual artifice, I am, in fact, very good at it. (I don’t know what this says about me.) Obviously your profile needs to be personal to you, but there seems to be a bit of a system to it that sets the scene for swipe success. This is that system.

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instagram, internet, selfies,

Features

OPINION All of Instagram’s Worst Habits are Fun and Great and GET ON BOARD, HATERS By Monica Heisey

There are about as many articles critiquing people’s internet behaviours as there are different behaviours to exhibit on the internet. I’m not sure I approve of this phenomenon. Unless you’re being racist or misogynist or going Full Asshole some other way, probably just keep doing what you’re doing, online or IRL. Here are a few classic Instagram habits that draw a particular amount of bile, and which, if you think about it, are all absolutely fine. 

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dance moms, tips, parties, party,

Features

DANCE MOMS TIPS FOR NON-DANCERS AT PARTIES By Monica Heisey

In the elaborate tapestry of human existence, everyone brings a few different threads (true sentence, important introduction, VERY relevant to everything, don't question it, just feel the metaphor wrap its tenuous strands around you and hug you tightly). Some of us are good cooks, some of us are science geniuses, some of us NEVER have to worry about whether or not their bangs are all piece-y and sad, and some of us are great at dancing. I am not great at dancing. To be honest, I’m not great at any of those things. But at least I LIKE cooking, and am interested in science, and have invested a lot of time and effort into the bangs thing. 

 

Which brings us to dancing.

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drake shake, relationships, sex, drake shake, text, whatsapp, sext,

Features

OPINION The Importance of Silly Sex By Monica Heisey

For the past week or so, I’ve been adding small pictures of Drake to my nude selfies, obscuring any area that might be characterised by an older/prude-ier/more British person as “naughty.” My boyfriend does NOT like it. I am, to him, defeating the entire purpose of a sexy text and also getting “Fancy” stuck in his head on the regular; he approves of neither behaviour. His hatred of it has become a fun game for us (me) as we (I) take increasingly lewd pictures that are increasingly obscured by an increasing amount of Drakes. God bless you, Drake Shake.

 

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fashion, weight issues, body image, flatter, opinion,

Fashion

FASHION Why "dressing to flatter your body" is a load of bollocks By Monica Heisey

I "shouldn't" wear strapless dresses. And I don't, really. Years of 'Dressing for YOUR Shape' features in women's mags and feeling uncomfortable at school dances and well-meaning but ultimately, if we're honest, pretty bitchy comments from shop assistants, friends, relatives, and myself have pretty much turned me off the whole idea. Through years of trial and error, foiled online shopping attempts and What Not To Wear marathons, I have learned that a woman of my height (5'6) and size (UK12) should not, nay, cannot wear the following: wide-legged trousers, strapless anything, drop-waist dresses, smock dresses, flapper dresses or unstructured dresses, generally. Why? It's not flattering. Oh, no. No. HONEY. You don't want to wear that. You're a pear, you know. Surely there's something more flattering we can find. 

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redhead, redheads, ginger, ginge, fashion, colour,

Fashion

FASHION HEY REDHEADS: It’s okay to wear these colours By Monica Heisey

Growing up ginger, there are certain things you hear a lot: "Someone call 999 and report a firecrotch," for instance. "You're gross and no one will ever love you!" for another. And yet, perhaps most damaging to my young, pallid life was the much more innocuous-seeming: "Redheads can't wear red." Unlike the idea that no one would ever love me based on my hair (don't make me do this, but: Jessica Rabbit, Rita Hayworth, Ariel, Ann Margaret etc. etc. etc.), the premise that redheads can't and shouldn't be wearing red was gospel for me until only very recently. What was I THINKING? What were we ALL thinking. Here are a few more shades of the clothes-night we need to take back. 

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x files, ant and dec, simon cowell, crush, crushes,

Features

THE X-FILES Inappropriate Crushes: A Timeline

My real-life romantic history is not that interesting. Two major relationships, a few flings, a French guy. My imaginary romantic history, on the other hand, is a real Who’s Who of, well, complete freaks. There is something wrong with me. Below I give you a timeline of some of the weirder resting places my weary heart has chosen to lay it’s pervy head. I’m so sorry in advance.

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relationships, jealousy, tips. features,

Features

How to deal with jealousy Tips from an open relationship weirdo

From the wives of Duck Dynasty to Jane Fonda on the sofa in The Conversation with Amanda de Cadenet, everyone’s got an opinion on how to make a relationship work and last. Laughs seem to be the thing everyone points to (“laffs” in American) so find a funny one to begin with and you’re probably good to go. But what about relationships that aren’t your regular kind?

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Preachers_Daughters, religion, religious, mum is right,

Features

Preachers' Daughters Mum you were right

So the thing that defines Preachers’ Daughters and the thing that makes us tune in week after week is the fights the girls have with their parents because they’re not allowed to do this or that because of Jesus, etc, etc (plus also those awkward kitchen conversations where the word “penetration” is used frequently and brilliantly, obviously). But preachers’ daughters aren’t the only ones getting the “we’re not mad, we’re just disappointed” faces off parents. What about just… daughters? Monica Heisey is one of those and she’s following up on some stuff her mum said years ago. Turns out, mum was right.

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fashion, clothes, topshop, boobs, breasts, big boobs, shopping

Fashion

How to survive Topshop with big breasts

“You have such big boobs, you’re so lucky!” is perhaps the most confusing statement ever uttered to those actually in possession of big boobs.

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