BT 329 & TalkTalk 329
5 Ways to Bring It in Everyday Life
Can a stand battle save you queuing in the Post Office? Are pom-poms the accessory your outfit has been missing? You might not be a Dancing Doll, but here's how to make Miss D proud on a daily basis...
1. Let your clipboard do the talking
Little did we know during geography field trips that one of the most powerful manipulative weapons we could need in later life was already in our possession – and I don't mean the 99p snap bracelet we bought in the gift shop. The clipboard, my friend.
As every Dancing Doll and Mithering Mom knows, when Dianna gets her clipboard out, team cuts are a-coming. Harness the Pavlovian potential of this technique by whipping out a clipboard every time you want your housemates to de-scuzz the bath or take the bins out. Eventually they'll learn to quake with fear and do your bidding at the mere sight of the clipboard, and you won't have to say a word.
2. Stage a field show
As festival moves go, sitting on someone's shoulders is now as tired as the poor sod they belong to. Instead, make your mark on your outdoor summer event of choice (Glasto, Bestival, Glyndebourne) by celebrating the fact you're IN a field and staging a field show – that's Bring It-speak for spectacular, synchronized routines involving formations and stunts. When else do you have this much space? Go wild! Do a flip! Do three! Shred your floral head garland and use it as confetti!
Of course there's a chance that choreographing your display will take so much time you miss most of the stuff you paid to see, but on the upside you'll almost certainly get featured in an 'atmosphere' shot on a photo agency website.
3. Embrace the stand battle
"Exchanging eight counts like boxers throwing punches," the stand battle is to majorettes what the Risk dice roll-off is to board game enthusiasts (not a whole lot of overlap, there). It's how the 'Prancing Tigerettes' earn their stripes, how 'Divas of Olive Branch' offer anything but, and how Miss D's Dancing Dolls 'serve straight beef on the floor' to their rivals – which means showing them their audacity will not be tolerated, rather than dropping a delicious plate of short ribs.
But who says it has to stop on the dancefloor? Forget polite dithering and passive aggressive throat-clearing – clearly, the best way to settle everyday public disputes is a quick stand battle. You both reach for the same aubergine in Aldi? STAND BATTLE. Two cars, one parking space? STAND BATTLE. Once the man at the Post Office has seen you drop into a split from a stag leap on the counter, he'll never charge you extra for bubble wrap again.
4. Dance like nobody's pleasing you
"They're ticked off, they're motivated and they're ready," says Miss D, and in the world of the Dancing Dolls being ticked off is an excellent thing. Mild irritation = higher kicks and twirlier twirling, which is why such a big portion of every episode is taken up with disgruntled ladies doing some shouting. Without all the provocation, the performances on Bring It would bring about as much 'it' as my grade two ballet class (except in Mississippi rather than above a carpet shop in Sussex).
So next time you feel in need of a little oomph, get yourself jolly well ticked off. Not supremely angry – that could lead to dangerously misplaced hip thrusts – but the level of moderate vexation caused by, say, a phone call with your internet service provider or a packet of Quavers that gets stuck in the vending machine. Then dance! Dance like only the truly peeved can dance!
5. If in doubt, get your pom-poms out
It's amazing that pom poms haven't already found their place in mainstream society, particularly as we've embraced Pom Bears and pomegranates with such gusto and neither are nearly as sparkly. Try waving pom-poms as an alternative to clapping, on all the occasions in life when you would normally applaud – for example, pilots landing a plane, the end of good films in the cinema and when someone in a restaurant drops a plate of food.