A man in the TFL Lost Property office wearing a pith helmet while holding umbrellas and tennis rackets.

HOARDERS

AUTHOR Daisy Buchanan
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Paris Hilton on Jay Leno with her dog

Paris:

“Like a really good personal shopper?”

Man in the TFL lost property office with lost luggage

TFL Lost Property Room

“But it’s on my badge!”

Bono wearing orange sunglasses

Bono

“Four thousand...”

A man cosplaying as Ariel the Little Mermaid at the San Diego Comic-con

Ariel

“Look at this stuff, isn’t it neat?”

Hoarders on tour

ARTICLE

Hoarding takes many forms, and there’s no doubt that Dr Scott, Darnita, Standolyn and the gang do a brilliant job helping the people who truly need their support. But have you ever wondered what they’d make of the professional hoarders, celebrity hoarders and storybook collectors? We did. So we guessed. All of the following accounts are entirely fictional, dreamed up for our own amusement and bear no resemblance to anything the people mentioned would say or do. We’re sure they are all know their way around an Ikea PAX storage system.

Paris Hilton on Jay Leno with her dog

Paris:

“Like a really good personal shopper?”

Hoarders versus Paris Hilton

Man in the TFL lost property office with lost luggage

TFL Lost Property Room

“But it’s on my badge!”

Paris Hilton: “You probably recognise the closet from the Sofia Coppola movie, The Bling Ring.”

Standolyn Robertson: “This isn’t a closet. This is just an enormous pile of gold pleather rucksacks.”

Paris: “No, there is a system! See, here’s the cabinet where I keep my phone charms.”

Standolyn: “Paris, do you know what a compulsive shopper is?”

Paris: “Like a really good personal shopper?”

Standolyn: “I think you need to accumulate expensive accessories in order to feel secure, and that manifests itself in an addiction to new purchases. Most of this stuff still has the tags on! No wonder you can’t throw it out.”

Paris: “Well, I’m totally going to take these guys out of their packaging immediately.”

Standolyn: “Are...they...all...Pomeranians?”

Paris: “Some Labradoodles.”

Bono wearing orange sunglasses

Bono

“Four thousand...”

Hoarders versus the TFL lost property room

A man cosplaying as Ariel the Little Mermaid at the San Diego Comic-con

Ariel

“Look at this stuff, isn’t it neat?”

TFL representative: “Last year, nearly a quarter of a million items were handed in after being left on tubes, trains and buses.”

Dr Scott Hannan: “And you kept them all?

TFL: “Well, yes. People can come here and collect them that way.”

Dr Scott: “As well as being bad for your emotional health, it’s just not very sanitary to hang onto all this stuff. You don’t know where it’s been.”

TFL: “We do, it’s been on our buses and tubes!”

Dr Scott: “I want you to do something for me. I want you to stop defining yourself with all this lost property.

TFL: “But it’s on my badge!”

Dr Scott: “It’s OK, you’re safe here. We’re going to look after you. Now, we’re going to toss all these gloves and umbrellas, and your new life can begin.”

TFL: “And what about this box of discarded diamond rings and iPads?”

Dr Scott: “Oh, I’ll take care of those. I need to dispose of them at at a...special facility.”

Hoarders versus Bono

Bono: “As you can see, I’m making a statement about poverty by restricting all my possessions to hats and shades.”

Darnita Payden: “There are approximately 5,000 pairs of sunglasses here.”

Bono: “I need those! See the ‘B’! That ‘B’ stands for ‘Bono!’ Also, ‘Bulgari’.”

Darnita: “What is the lowest number of sunglasses you think you could own while still functioning?”

Bonito: “Four thousand...”

Darnita: “That’s...quite high.”

Bono: “Nine hundred and eighty four pairs.”

Darnita: “Right. Have you considered the possibility that you’re using your unusually large collection to screen out the pressures and expectations the world places on you, as a rock star?”

Bono: “I just like to have a few spare pairs because I’m always leaving them in Geldof’s sodding plane.”

Darnita: “Would you consider outside storage space.”

Bono: “I will in your arse! Sorry. I could probably live in a different house though.”

Hoarders versus The Little Mermaid

Ariel: “Look at this stuff, isn’t it neat?”

 

Sara Bereika: “Ariel, your obsessive accumulation of human objects is a sign that you’re really uncomfortable in your own skin.”

 

Ariel: “But I wanna be where the people are!”

 

Sara: “You’re not human! You’re a mermaid! I mean, you’re using your collection as means of hiding. You’re not living the life you were truly meant to lead because your broken forks, whoosits and whatsits are preventing self-actualisation!”

 

Ariel: “That’s not because of my stuff. That’s because I can’t reach that area. THANKS, TAIL.”

 

Sara: “I didn’t mean...OK, now I understand your fascination with humans. We’re getting some place. What do you most want in the world?”

 

Ariel: “Legs!”

 

Sara: “Well, you can’t build legs out of old tobacco pipes. But you can build a brand new life if we fix you up with some great storage!”

 

Ariel: “Can I keep my comb?”

 

Sara: “We’ll buy you one in Muji.”

Hoarders versus the V&A

V&A Archivist: “We’re very proud of our Asian Collections. Some of the pieces are over 5,000 years old.”

 

Dr Suzanne Chabaud: “You can’t embrace the present if you continue to live in the past.”

 

V&A: “But some of these items are incredibly valuable!”

 

Dr Suzanne: “Of course they’re valuable to you. But you invest so much energy into maintaining this collection that you’re forgetting to value yourself.”

 

V&A: “It’s not all ours! This vase is on loan from the Guggenheim.”

 

Dr Suzanne: “You have to return it. Learn to let go.”

 

V&A: “Well, I guess we could do something about all the renaissance metalwork. That room gets so dusty.”

 

Dr Suzanne: “Dorothy is already on her way with the trash bags. And you’re going to love her linen closet organisers.”

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