When did we start celebrating marriage by covering everything in plastic willies? We've found the most weird and wonderful novelty knobs that the internet has to offer.
So you're getting married! Maseltov! It is now traditional that your friends will purchase a mountain of wang-shaped ephemera that will make you laugh for minutes, then take mere centuries to biodegrade as our planet grows ever warmer.
It's hard imagining the reverse occurring – a man getting married so his man friends shower him in disembodied plastic vaginas. It's less whimsical, and more Jeffry Dahmer-y. Does this mean men are more sensitive and sophisticated than women? Sure. Sure it does. (Except now that gay marriage is finally legal, we can only be excited about the brave new world of winkie-shaped commercial possibilities this market will open up. Equality!)
Anyway, here's a list of real penis-shaped things you too can buy for your naughty parties. Fun fact: when you type the word ‘penis' enough times, not only does it lose all meaning, but you start developing weird muscle-memory that makes typing all other p-words into a fun, erotic adventure. Penis, I mean, please enjoy this article…
You know what it's like – you're spelunking in the labyrinth of caverns a mile below Wales. Your guide rope went slack several hours ago, and you're fighting the feeling that the very rock is closing in. Then… your torch goes out. Not to worry – you can light your way to safety with these glow-in-the–dark willy straws! And if the waters rise, you can always use the straws as makeshift breathing apparatus! The amusing genital-shape design will keep everyone's spirits up until Mountain Rescue arrives.
Well, you can see what they're going for here. Why should wang-shaped novelties only reflect the Caucasian market? Like the industries of catwalk modeling and women's cosmetics, in recent years the penis-shaped novelty industry has come on in leaps and bounds in terms of ethnic sensitivity. “Brown” doesn't seem a very PC term, mind.
Winky shaped breath mints guaranteed to break the ice at parties. “Hey, Margaret! Your breath smells like penis! No, I mean that in a good way!” Hours of fun.
Just because you've got a thumping hangover and a stomach that feels like a cement mixer full of Sambuca and kebab, doesn't mean the hen night is over! Why not enjoy a breakfast penis made of egg, with all yolks for the testicles and stuff? It's the second funniest suggestive-shaped breakfast stuff since ‘just a big sausage on a plate'.
At some point in her life, every modern girl will be faced with this dilemma – what to do with the penis-shaped pasta (the ‘PEN-ne', if you will) after the initial hilarious novelty has worn off. Does one put it in the larder – what, for your uptight flatmate to find? Throw it in the bin – while there's kids starving in Africa?
Seriously, has anyone ever cooked with this stuff? It's hard to think exactly what the worst penis-shaped pasta dish would be, but carbonara seems pretty unappetizing. Actually, anything with cheese.
I started to write something funny about this, then I read the genuinely-real copy from the website:
“Stick-it notes were always designed to stand out. The distinctive color, the ability to hang in anyone's line of vision... they were by all means a beautifully designed product. However, the manufacturer didn't count on the meteoric rise in popularity; on how desensitized we would all become to their beauty. What was once eye-catching is now mundane. They're such a commonplace item, the eye can't help but skim past instructions to "let the dog out" or "shower". How can Stick It Notes regain their once-reliable dominance of the eye? By being colored bright pink... and shaped like peckers. Bright colors are one thing, but shaping something like a penis takes its attention-grabbing powers to a whole new level. With these distinctively shaped notes, all your jottings are turned into billboards. No sticky note will go unread. Sticky Dicky Stick It Notes come fifty in a pack and can be hung almost anywhere. They make fantastic party favors and are perfect for giving the office a needed dose of hilarious.”
I mean, “how desensitized we would all become to their beauty”, “Once reliable dominance of the eye”? That's beautiful prose, right? Someone got paid actual cash money to write that. Can you think of a third use for penis-shaped stick-it notes, after fun party favours and enlivening-slash-sexually harrassing your office co-workers? I bet this copywriter could. Whoever they are, they are really, really good at writing copy about penis-shaped, off-brand ‘Post-its'. Did this brave scribe once dream of writing novels, epic poetry, a screenplay that could change the world? I know I did. Sigh.
What would be really funny is if you got your tongue stuck to it.
Eat with your hands, like some kind of animal? No madame! I daintily eat my penis-shaped cupcake with a penis-shaped knife and fork and dab my dainty woman's lips with a penis-printed napkin. (The ‘realistic' ribbing on this cutlery would also be helpful in maintaining ones grip when eating something posh but tricky, like lobster, or artichoke heart.)
The only thing I really like about this is it looks just like Turner the Worm from the old Teletext Digitiser page. If you get that reference, congratulations, you are in your 30s and have at some point in your life been caught short and made penis-shaped putanesca.