Okay. So. My body is curved. In the immortal words of Sir Mix-a-Lot, we have a “little in the middle but she got much back” situation happening, here. I know that I'm ready for this jelly, because it's mine and I've had it since I was 13. I own so many skinny belts for “defining my waist” I have a separate drawer for them all. Fine. I'm “curvy”.
But I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to hear about it. I don't want to know that I'm “great at dressing for my curves” or that I'm “not fat, I'm curvy,” or that “curves are like, what real women have.” I hate the word and I would strike it from the cultural lexicon immediately, given the choice. I'd let the hideous slang overlords keep “clunge” before I'd let them keep “curvy.” Here's why I hate it:
It's very unclear to me what “curvy” even is
Is it an impressive hip-to-waist ratio? Is it extra pounds? Is it big, fake boobs? Curvy has been used to describe everyone from Michelle Williams to Scarlett Johannson to Christina Hendricks to America Ferrera to Gabourey Sidibe. Between them, those women represent basically all the sizes that women can be. That's just women in general. So what does the word even mean? Female? Bit rude to straight up-and-down Audrey Hepburn-types, who I feel everyone often forgets are ladies too (we really can't win, eh?). “Real women have curves” is my second least favourite sentence in the world. “We're out of pizza” is the first.
It's a favourite buzzword for passive aggressives everywhere
Curvy is only ever said as though the compliment is an alternative view. It's dropped slyly, like a euphemism, and hangs in the air, loaded with more meaning than your average adjective. The same way we use “thin” to mean “beautiful,” curvy means “beautiful EVEN THO U A BIT FAT, GIRL.” I have never been in a situation where someone has said something to me about my being a “curvy woman” and I've felt better afterwards. Or neutral, even. I always feel weird and worse and more self-conscious and I don't know why you would do that to me, friend's cousin at a wedding. Leave me to my champagne and my sorting-out-when-it's-appropriate-to-take-my-shoes-off, please.
Like do you even want us to hate ourselves though
Is it supposed to be sexy to be “curvy”? Sometimes it seems that way. Anyone in a form-fitting dress with any body shape at all is “flaunting their curves” or “pouring their curves into clothes” or “showing off their curvy frame.” With all due respect to the Daily Mail, if I'm wearing a dress and you can tell I've got a big butt in it, this is because I've got a big butt. There's no other way for me to wear a dress. And yet the act of dressing a curvy body is imbued with all this show-y meaning. “Look,” the shitty tabloids say, “woman have breasts. Man like breasts. Woman show off.” Two pages later and the same woman is on a beach, shapewear-free, bouncing around in some swimwear and being shamed for “letting herself go”. Make up your minds! Or better yet, leave it alone.
Attention, gentlemen: I am not proud of you for being attracted to “curves”
Oh, do you like curves? Do you APPRECIATE them? I can't believe I found you, you brave man-unicorn. What a rare, independent-minded soul you are. Please, ravage my curvy body, because you “know how to treat a thick woman”. Don't worry! This barfing I'm doing is not a weight loss technique, I just literally can't stop myself when you talk like that. Vom.