So. Nail art. It seems fun. Like really, truly, it looks like you have fun with it. All the DIY tips and nailspiration blogs and important Instagram hashtags. The way you hold the bottle so that all your nails AND the label are displayed at once. Exciting, really. Or at least it must be, for many many people, but it feels like I'm missing something. I just don't get it.
With the somewhat controversial "mani cam" making rounds at this year's award shows, it feels like literally everyone is on board. "What's not to love, Mon? My nails look like little pizzas!!" I can hear you saying. And look, tiny pizza slice fingernails is a very cute idea. But like... How long did that take? Or how much did that cost? Also what is your job that a pizza nail makes sense for you, professionally? These are just a few starter questions that pop up when I see someone sporting deeply intricate nail art.
Now don't get me wrong, those stickers you can get at boots or wherever seem like a fun mini-indulgence, and like they might be relatively easy to apply. Plus they're not 10cm long and dripping with actual crystals. With crazy Brooke Candy-style talons, though, I draw a firm line. Nails that long an ornate do not say, to me, "I'm a grown up woman who likes to have fun with fashion!" They say, "I have too much money and/or time on my hands and either so little respect for my job that I don't need to use my hands to complete basic tasks OR I do not have a job and don't want one thank you."
Like, the alternatives for application here are that you were inspired to decorate some aspect of your life, chose your nails and then either painstakingly used tiny, specially purchased brushes or li'l nail polish pens to draw leopard spots or rainbows or an ombré cat's head on each of your ten fingies, or paid an outrageous sum to avoid eye contact with another human being while they did so for you. Weird. Why not paint an actual picture? Or redecorate your bedroom? Or like, literally any other activity? Far be it for me to limit your self-expression but surely your artistic urges can be indulged in an art form that won't chip if you wash dishes or snag a nail on something or you know, use your hands in any way.
But of course that's just my opinion. Feel free to stick your spangly, patterned, perfectly manicured middle finger up at me. I'll be over here googling what am emery board is.