How to order your Tinder pictures for maximum success

There is something about my face that says “ask me for advice on your love life.” In the past few weeks I have helped no less than eight people—friends, strangers at bars, a man in my bed—put together their Tinder profiles, because “you seem like the kind of person who would be good at this sort of thing.”

While Tinder's “sort of thing” seems mainly to be sexual artifice, I am, in fact, very good at it. (I don't know what this says about me.) Obviously your profile needs to be personal to you, but there seems to be a bit of a system to it that sets the scene for swipe success. This is that system.

“Hello World, It's Nice to Meet… Me”

Tinder is a lot of things, and one of them is deeply superficial, at least for the initial review stage. Sure, if you decide to swipe right you have the option of an ice-breaker convo or two before meeting up, but let's face it: it's important that the first picture in your Tinder profile is the most attractive picture of you that you have.* 

*NB: The photo in question must still present a realistic depiction of you as a human person. I can imagine nothing worse in the WORLD than meeting someone off a proximity-based “dating” (sex) app and feeling, palpably and immediately, that they are disappointed by the way you look compared to your photo.

“Srsly tho, not bad ri?”

Similar to number one, picture two should present you as you are… on an extremely good hair (and face and body) day. A lot of people use this photo to display an interest or hobby of theirs, indicating their rich and varied life outside of their rich and fulfilling career. In Canada, for men, the answer here seems to be holding up a large fish that they have presumably caught. In the UK, it is playing with small tigers, snakes, or other exotic animals, as if to say “Yeah, I've used SkyScanner.” Important: if there was a friend with you in picture one, do not include them in picture two. It will be impossible to tell which one is you and it makes you look like a sexual trickster. If you are going to include friends in your Tinder profile, the brutal truth is that they should be less attractive than you. Absolutely no photos with your friend Carly who doesn't understand why she always gets things for free and attributes it to bus drivers being “nice.” BUS DRIVERS ARE NOT NICE, CARLY. JESUS. 

“And I'm FUN”

Okay, so they haven't left swiped and are interested in seeing more of what you're all about. Maybe they LOVE a woman who knows her way around a trawling boat. Next, hit ‘em with some ha-has. Everyone worth dating or doing appreciates a person with a sense of humour, so here is where you show that off. Maybe you had a funny bio line to begin with, but if not, the following things are basically visual shorthand for a fun, breezy attitude towards life: you wearing a wig or any other kind of prosthetic hair (all the points if you go Full Merkin with this one), you looking purposefully unflattering (wacky), you posed hilariously under a sign doing what the sign says NOT TO DO (rebellious yet fun), you performing what appears to be stand up comedy on a stage (just kidding, literally no one wants to date a professional comedian). 

Best feature show-off/Conversation-starter

Ladies, busty? Gentlemen, tall? Gals, legs for days? Gents, CAT OWNER?? Highlight your best/hottest/funnest/most feline-posessing features here. This person is nearing the end of what you have to offer, and now that they know you're attractive AND fun, it might just seal the deal to discover you've got great arms/work in some kind of veterinary lab/can seriously LIFT. The person viewing your profile is at this point at least considering saying actual words to you (from a screen far away, from the safety of their home/work toilet), so give them something to talk about! You want them to think “Hmmm.” and then, “Does this person own a boat?”

Good luck out there. And remember: choose carefully. There is no “back” button, for some reason.**

**No reason.