Sharing is caring, you guys, or at least that's what I think people are telling themselves on social media.
And hey, I get it. I love a good share. Today I Instagrammed a text message conversation (gross, I'm sorry), and this weekend, I took photos of my sleeping cat with a caption that made it seem like he wasn't going to work. So yes, I understand what importance looks like, and 99% of the time it's whatever we're choosing to Instagram.
But then there's the 1%. The other instances in which we seemingly go above and beyond to alienate and upset every person we've ever met (and/or who follows us on the Internet). We've all done it and there are no innocents, which is why we continue to receive penance via over-share even now.
So that being said, here are five things nobody ever needs to see. Please try to stifle the trauma stemming from your painful memories, and may whatever God you believe in have mercy on us all.
I understand that some people love a good foot. And if that is you, congratulations: that is who you are, and we will celebrate that one day, maybe. (Probably not.) But I am, however, your opposite. I hate feet. In the words of Liz Lemon, I never wear flip-flops ever – they're gross. I don't care if your feet are great, I don't care if your feet scored a modeling career with sandals, and I don't care if your face is a foot. The last thing I want to see after a photo of somebody's perfect McDonalds fries are a close-up shot of you and your flip-flops. I would never do that to you. Especially because I don't own any sandals, and I am not a sociopath.
2. After-sex photos
What do you want from us, couples? Jealousy? Do you want to feel hip? Look: I understand. You're stoked to have slept with the person you're sleeping with. We've been there! It happens! You're whipping your hair back and forth! But we're adults. It takes less your sex life and more back-to-back new episodes of Scandal to impress us now. So instead, you've left a mental image I didn't ask for nor deserve. Now I have to acknowledge who you're hooking up with, and then actually have to think about it happening – but not in a sexy way. It's like seeing the couple ahead of you in line buying condoms, Red Bull, and wart cream. Good for them, sure, but now I know what their “good for them” looks like, and that somehow, I'm involved.
3. “Bae caught me slippin” selfies
Behold, a universal truth: selfies are in no way casual, spur-of-the-moment, or candid. We have planned them – all of them. Every single selfie you see has been planned. And hey: if you can accompany said selfie with a relevant caption, then thank you, good night, good luck, and Godspeed – you are exempt, and the exemptions. To those who take photos of themselves with the flu, or on the toilet, or even constantly shirtless: why? What do you want? Likes? “They like me! They really like me!” you will shout, from your spot on the . . . toilet? “My toilet photo is doing very well!” you will think, stifling the knowledge that when you were using the bathroom, you photographed yourself while most vulnerable. At least give us something. Give us a glimpse of self-awareness. Let us think we're in on the joke. Let us think there is a joke. Teach us to laugh again.
4. Fancy food (with a side order of apathy)
Eating food is a necessity of life. Being excited to eat food should also be a necessity of life because eating food is a privilege. But despite this rule, we still see it: the food photo – the photo of somebody's fancy-ass dinner accompanied by a complete rejection of enthusiasm. What, are you too good to say you're excited for that thing with the fried egg on it? Are you afraid that by not being casual in front of your food you're somehow not good enough to eat it? What if people think you are looking forward to eating the thing you spent three months rent on? Will you be expelled from the cool table? Will your cool cigarettes be taken away? Spoiler alert: they will not. I promise, if you accompany your foodie choices with an exclamation point or even a whiff of “this is an enjoyable moment in my life” you will still be allowed to eat said food and make us want to eat it too. Until then, I will photograph my Kraft Dinner happily, thanks.
Yes, I want to see your nails! I do. I promise. I will never deny the splendor of Adventure Time or Breaking Bad-themed nails on social media. But I will deny the every day nail polish thing because all of us have nails we can paint with whatever colour we want whenever we want. It's true! We get to go to the drug store and buy nail polish and go for it. But there's nothing awesome about clutching a nail polish bottle and Instagramming the corresponding hand doing so. What's happening? Why are we holding our hands like claws? Why is that the universal signal for “psyched over nail polish?” Why aren't we at least holding something cool like a Nano Baby or Furby? So there, that's the rule: if tempted to photograph everyday nail polish, you must be holding a Furby. Or you must have Furby nail art. Either or.