Wide Leg Trousers Are Inevitable and We're Scared

Wide leg trousers are coming for us.

I saw them coming a mile away. It makes sense, of course. For every action there's a reaction. Fashion moves in cycles. It's the Circle of Life, and it moves us all, through despair and hope, through faith and love. And one day, friends, one day soon, it's going to move us all into very wide-legged trousers. 

Skinny jeans and drainpipe cords and cigarette trousers have been on top for a long, long time. Having been trendy in the 50s, 70s, and at 80s, it only made sense that they would rear their spindly heads once again at the end of the bootcut-obsessed early aughties. There was much hubbub at the time. People were worried, unwilling to give up the 'flattering' ways of the bootcut. 

I was not worried. Bootcut jeans made me sad. Sure, I didn't look like Kate Moss—Commander-General of the Skinny Jeans Resurgence Militia—when I wore them, but I didn't hate them. They simply follow the shape of your leg. They look like your legs, but dark blue. If you get a really good pair with the right ratio of stiff denim to stretchy Lycra, they look like your legs, but slightly thinner and dark blue. They're pretty foolproof, really, and come in a range of expensive, high quality pairs and cheap-as-chips jeggings that might be technically flammable but still look pretty okay. While a few people freaked out, I happily (and occasionally unhappily) tried on just enough pairs that I had sorted my sh** out. Eventually the hubbub died down, and a straight, fitted leg is just what "trousers" look like, these days. 

And now, NOW, after we've all finally figured out exactly what brand makes exactly our pair of skinnies in a range of colours and textures, now I hear the distant, pounding drumbeat of the Wide-Legged army. Ask Charlotte Ronson or Alexander Wang or Karen Walker or goddamn JCrew, all of whom featured wide-legged trousers prominently in their Spring 2014 collections at New York Fashion Week. This is a disaster.

Wide-leg trousers look good on NO ONE. Where a skinny jean's greatest flaw is that it hides nothing, wide-leg trousers hide a shapely leg and spell disaster for an unshapely one. If you're tall and skinny and have one of those tiny bums like an elegant deer's tail (you know what I'm talking about, don't pretend), they AT BEST send the message "I can wear these because I'm thin" which is, I think, the most obnoxious way that clothes can be worn. If you're less than 5"10 and weigh more than 8 stone, you're basically screwed. Not only does it look like you're trying to hide the real size/shape of your legs, but the size/shape of your legs seems, well, WIDER, duh. Then you are basically forced to go tight and cropped up top for balance reasons, leaving the chesty among us completely stranded. There are a lot of factors involved in feeling comfortable in a crop top, including but not limited to stomach tonedness, what you had for lunch, whether or not Mercury is in retrograde, and general interest in the 90s. Crop tops are an elective article, and now this horrible legwear trend seeks to make them mandatory. Go to sleep, wide-leg trousers!

Is there something we can do about this? A petition, maybe? A tight-fitted protest? Who will stop the madness?? I know it will not be Zara.