Neighbours With Benefits

More

When Swinging Goes Wrong

Some people are single; some are in monogamous relationships. Others put their keys in a bowl and then have sex with strangers while their partner does the same in the next bedroom. Humans, right? It takes all types to make up a world…

Still, the world of swinging is much like any other world: full of accidents and mishaps. Here are some true stories of some decidedly un-sexy things that have occurred while the swinging is being swung – just so you can make an informed decision before dropping your keys in the bowl.

1. Falling in love with your swinging partner

Ouch – the message boards are full of this one. Not only do some swingers find better options in the arms of their swinging partners, others were after this goal all along – like this poor guy, who found that the man his partner was swinging with was actually the ex-boyfriend she was trying to win back. Successfully.  

 

2. Numb equipment

Try to avoid the tribulation of this particular Reddit user, who brought Climax Control condoms along to his little shindig – and then found that after a few minutes of hard work, he'd lost all feeling in his equipment (not what you want from a penis). Not only that, but he'd shared the condoms out before getting started – resulting in a room full of concerned looking men, and thoroughly bored women.

 

3. Someone tries to convert you to Christianity

This might seem a little farfetched for a lifestyle that swings about as far away from Bible-advocated monogamy as you can get – but you haven't yet met Dean and Christy, a married couple who use the world of swingers to preach the word of God. According to Dean “you can't get closer to someone than when you're having sex with them”, so it's the perfect time to teach them. I mean, you can't really argue with that logic.

 

4. Your sex festival gets closed down

You might think swinging a quiet lifestyle; something that takes place in bedrooms with closed curtains. But that's because you've never been to the Big Weekend, a festival which takes place in Wales, and involves jelly wrestling, wife swapping and orgies. If you haven't been yet, you might soon be out of luck, though – the residents of the small village of Trellech are revolting against the event, claiming that it ruins the tone of the rural area.

 

5. You're turned down for not being hot enough

There's a bit of a general perception of swingers: older, a bit saggier, a bit sad – though of course none of the above prevents them from actively participating in a sex life that's probably hotter than 90% of the sex happening in your neighbourhood. Still, if you're looking to getting involved, but seeking a high quality of available partners, you might want to head to an event that rates its members before allowing entry. Try not to be disheartened if you get turned away, though. We can't all be beautiful.

 

6. Your partner likes it more than you do

Unfortunately, it's all too common for one half of a pairing to engage in swinging only because they're afraid their partner will cheat or leave if they don't. Even those who think they might like it often find that when faced with the prospect of public sex with a stranger, they're not as interested as they thought. How to avoid this unsavoury prospect? Do your research, make sure you're prepared, communicate with your partner and make sure you understand that you can leave at any time. Especially if someone starts reciting Bible verses to you.

 

7. It doesn't save your sex life

Some couples enter the world of swinging when their own partnership has begun to fail to live up to the spice of earlier years. Sometimes it works, but other times? There's no saving the sinking ship. But never mind – there are plenty of other ships in the sea, and some of them might like swinging, too (mixed metaphor. Go with it).