The Real Housewives Of New Jersey


The ultimate Real Housewives vocabulary guide

If watching Real Housewives Of New Jersey has taught us anything, it's that using the Queen's English is for suckers. If you want to get on in life, you need to switch it up and start speaking Teresa's unconventional brand of American. Or should that be FAB-merican?! From her Fabulicious Food to her Fabellinis, Teresa knows how to make everything sound suitably sparkly. If you channel Teresa, you can fab up even the most awful aspects of your life, and enjoy glorious delusion. Here's how:


Normal word: Overdraft

Teresa-speak: Fabu-draft

Definition: Why, it's simply marvelous that you've spent all that money! You have a lifestyle to maintain, and if anyone asks why you're dancing outside your tube stop and hoping you get flung enough coins to buy a Travelcard, you just tell them it's because you spent all your money on pink ponies, diamond lobster forks and wigs. No-one needs to know that it was just rent and a single bag of lobster-flavoured crackers that financially ruined you.


Normal word: Deadline

Teresa speak: Dead-fiiiiiiine

Definition: The real world needs you to honour your obligations and get your sh** done in time, but baby, you were never meant for the real world, which means everyone is going to have to treat you in a totally flexible way. Because you'll definitely get the thing done at some stage, it's just that other, more fabulous offers and events might turn up in the meantime. Really drag out that second syllable, to encourage everyone to be as chill as you.


Normal word: Flab

Teresa speak: Fla-fab!

Even if eating spaghetti isn't part of your cultural heritage, there's nothing more comforting than a good carb, unless the carb is smothered in a butter-based sauce. You could live on kale, only allowing yourself an egg cup of delicious pasta on a Saturday night, or you could luxuriate in the luscious combination of fats and sugars every day of the week. The latter is more fun, but before too long, you're busting the seams of your bodycon. Do you go on a diet? No! You rechristen your extra curves and by a bigger size. And a bigger pasta bowl.


Normal word: Argument

Teresa speak: Fun-gument

Fighting is a part of life, so you might as well try to make it entertaining. And plain old yelling is distressing, uncomfortable and repetitive. But a fun-gument means that a slammed door can open up to reveal a world of wonder. Make your point while juggling. Sing your criticisms! Create imaginative insults about people's mothers through the medium of Rapidough! If nothing else, every argument you have will be so confusing for everyone involved that they will quickly give up and concede every point you make. Become one of life's winners through bafflement.


Normal word: Bail

Teresa speak: Prison fun bucks!

Definition: Goodness, isn't life crazy? One minute you're at this totally charming soiree, and the next, you're doing 90 in your SUV, screaming that you're going to kill the crazy bitch who just cut you up, only you don't have the coordination to do so because your blood alcohol level is fully Oliver Reed. The cops will catch up with you, and then there are mugshots and the whole thing is very tedious. You might need a friend or associate to stump up some serious cash in order to get you freed. But “bail” is such a scary word. Some positive verbal reframing will make your friends feel thrilled about getting involved in your crazy escapade!