How are your pants-adjacent parts? If they're not swollen and throbbing with longing and want, I assume you haven't seen Jay-Z and Beyonce's Grammy performance. The chair! The swivel! The suit! The smoke! The whole thing was hotter than an iron that you have just tested the temperature of with the palm of your hand. But the sexiest bit of all was Jay Z's hand action. No, not that (although we assume there must have been a fair bit of that later) - who didn't swoon when Jay took Bey by the hand as they descended the stairs, and then, in a bit of choreography that was even more fruity than Janet Jackson's Superboob, grabbed her bum! The Beyonce bottom! It's a little bit like touching up the Queen, only Jay Z is actually married to Beyonce, and also we can't help but think that gathering up the royal backside in your fist is probably as dry and disappointing as reaching into a plastic jar for a handful of dry cotton balls. (Have I done a treason? Am I going to hell now?)
Anyway, I'm not bothered about a load of forgettable frocks - the only bit of Grammy fashion that concerns me is the bum touching, which proves that the PDA is back for 2014. And I'm excited. No more “wits” saying “Get a room!” when you lightly touch your partner on the elbow. No more couples straining to fake a fashionable level of hatred and ignoring each other at parties, to be cool. No more anxiety about whether it's OK to touch your beloved's knee in the dark at the cinema, without being driven out by the outraged, popcorn masticating patrons, who think you are a common letch. It's going to be all fondling, all of the time. Let's get off with our partners at parties, and give ourselves more public action than our teenage selves ever dared to dream of! We can bring back dry humping at bus stops! Let's snog ‘til everyone has stubble rash!
The reason the Jay/Bey PDA worked is that it was imbued with genuine passion. When many celebrities conduct their relationships to follow the same peaks and troughs as their promo schedules, no-one doubts that these two are are into each other. Crazy In Love was 11 years ago, but Drunk In Love is the anthem of the couple who have been Facebook official for three weeks and can't stop boning each other on stairwells. You might expect a married couple with a kid to have reined it in a little bit due to sheer familiarity and knackeredness, but The Z-Knowles are clearly still burning through their heaviest threadcounts, and that's pretty exciting. If a couple can make sex last forever, there's clearly a chance they can make love last forever too. Who doesn't want that?!
With the best will in the world, Beyoncé, though fabulous, doesn't always score highly on the “relatable” chart. She likes to talk about herself as if she's just a sweet new mom who likes wings and makes herself work out, while we cough and shuffle and stare at the massive elephant in the room - the one made from diamonds and money and a blinding amount of raw talent. Driving ourselves to be more like Beyoncé can drive us crazy. We want her warmth, her sex appeal and her magnificent thighs. But if your job involves going near a scanner, making hot drinks in a communal kitchen or talking to anyone who uses the word ‘action' as a verb, you can't even contemplate going on a maple pepper cleanse unless you have a magnificent lawyer on retainer and they can get you off an incontestable homicide charge.
However, the one bit of Beyoncé like living we can get behind is the bum grabbing. You can become closer to one of our ultimate icons of modern womanhood just by touching up your partner! Pash in the park, cuddle in the caff and go heavy on the heavy petting in Homebase. Assuming your partner consents to being touched on the regular, as it were, frequent fondling is the greatest way to stay crazy in love, it's (probably) great for your circulation and involves little financial outlay.
Let's follow Bey's lead and make 2014 the year of consensual groping! Let there be less tutting and more smooching for everyone. We've got just over two weeks until Valentine's Day, and I don't want to see anyone getting grumpy about the associated hand holding and snogging on the street. Beyoncé and Jay-Z have given us the gift of free, sexy expression. We owe it to those guys to show our feelings physically, whether we're drunk, crazy or just trying to keep warm. If the Carter-Knowles are doing anything less than full sex on stage at the 2020 Grammys, I shall be disappointed.