Great Sex Myths I Heard As a Child

Obviously the internet has ruined everything for everybody all the time. In this ghastly era of Kindles, Furbies and all that whatnot, surely the saddest thing we have lost is the ability to extensively lie to children and, of course, for children to lie to each other. Sadly, I'm not sure the kiddiewinks of today get to enjoy the various ludicrous untruths that I was told and completely believed. They could easily be rejected with a swift Google these days. If any commonplace bus journey is to go by, the youth of today are watching more porn than I could ever digest and so are presumably well versed in the ways of love and would never fall for these fabulous ‘shaggy dog stories'. See what I did there?

THERE WAS A MAN WHOSE WILLY WAS SO BIG THAT IF HE GOT A BONER HE WOULD DIE

I have a distinct memory of standing in the corridor at school and being shown an image (pre-Photoshop obvs) of a man whose private part was flapping about down near his knees somewhere. The provenience of this picture is obscure, but it was definitely accompanied by the fact that, although it seemed that this gentleman was the luckiest dude on the planet, having the biggest schlong and everything, his life was cursed as if he even thought about Barbara Windsor in Carry On Camping or anything else highly stimulating, all the blood would leave his body to form a mighty, and fatal, erection. A sexual exsanguination if you will.

PUTTING YOUR BALLS ALL THE WAY IN IS THE ULTIMATE AROUSAL TECHNIQUE

Balls were always a bit of a mystery. As far as we were concerned, yes they were full of the life essence like some semen-based Jubbly. But surely their close proximity to the shaft indicated a further sexual accessory element? Perhaps they could be swung in the direction of our many conquests, like an erotic maraca? Or presented with sophistication, as if offered as a prize by a beautiful lady on a televised game show? The consensus we reached was you just crammed them into your lover's special area (that too was a little hazy) which elicited the ultimate frisson of pleasure.

EVEN IF YOU KNOW ABOUT SEX AND ARE BELOW THE AGE OF CONSENT YOU CAN BE ARRESTED

This is what I would consider a ‘girl' rumour, as I can't believe that even the threat of imprisonment would stop boys who had recently become pubic talking about having it off. It also sounds like something fearful (and cowardly) parents would tell their daughters out of desperation. “No, you can't even KNOW about these things until you're 16 and even then only with our full written consent'. So if you're fourteen and sitting at a bus stop with a bag of chips and say something along the lines of ‘the dingle dangle goes into the hoo hah' a SWAT team will descend and you'll be shipped off to borstal and it will be just like the film Scum. Seems unlikely.

EATING CHEWITS MAKES YOUR SPERM FRUIT-FLAVOURED

Don't know why it was Chewits exactly. Other chemically drenched confections had no effect, apparently. I've got a feeling it was rumoured that those fruit flavoured Polo mints might have done something similar, but nobody in their right mind who was sexually active would eat those. This fact was also offered as a sort of cautionary tale, as if Chewit-flavoured semen would be a humiliation that no grown man would be able to recover from. 

RUBBER JOHNNIES COME IN DIFFERENT SIZES AND THE SIZE IS DECIDED BY A DOCTOR OR OTHER AUTHORITY FIGURE

This was definitely a Primary School thing, I should imagine. It's strange that the average male is obsessed with condoms at around the age of eight, then a fallow period, then the obsession returns at around fourteen. By this latter stage, I assume that you realised you didn't have to visit the school nurse or your local GP to receive your official ‘willy measurement card' that you carried for the rest of your life and revealed to the chemist who consulted it closely then went into the back and returned with your particular rubber johnnie bearing the correct girth. I seem to remember that other responsible adults, like architects and travel agents, could also provide the service.

IF YOU DON'T HAVE IT OFF ENOUGH IT CAN CAUSE A HERNIA WHICH MAKES YOUR NUTSACK FILL WITH GUTS

Sorry about this one. It's not pleasant so I won't go too deeply into the intimate details, but it was something along the lines of abstinence creating a form of ‘sexual build up' which, if not rectified, could laser beam a hole in your stomach lining leading to the contents parachuting in a southerly direction. It's pretty grim but probably worth trying as an explanation if you are ever caught self-abusing by an aunt or usher.

SOME LADIES HAVE SIDEWAYS FANNIES

The first time I ever saw explicit pornography, I threw up. It was a set of dirty playing cards which, to this day, always contain the queasiest brand of erotic photography. I don't know if it's the shininess of the cards themselves or the distinctive smell, but they are always deeply unpleasant for some reason. Anyway, anyone who has ever met me, even casually or in a retail situation, will know that this incident has informed the rest of my adult life and the way I interact with people. So that brief spell, when I was told that some ladies also had sideways fannies, added even more concern to my attitude towards naked people and is something I've never fully recovered from.

LIBERAL DOUSING OF THE SEX AREA WITH FIZZY POP PREVENTS PREGNANCY

I don't know, part of me still thinks this could possibly be true. I mean, if you drop an elephant into a vat of soda it dissolves overnight, or something, right? Or is that another urban myth? It's not that it's unfeasible, just impractical. And messy. Do you delicately apply the beverage to the necessary location and snuggle while it dries? Or shake up a can of Lilt and spray it about like you've just won the Monaco Grand Prix? In which case do you need to get some towels or tarpaulin? Perhaps this is why some people have those rubber sheets I've heard about. Or maybe that's a myth too.

Twitter: @montybodkin