Have you ever met a Real Housewife, apart from on TV? Of course not! That's because actual housewives and Real Housewives are from different planets. The former are grounded on Planet Earth, washing, cleaning, ironing and discussing the relative merits of blue vs yellow Lenor. The latter are swooping about on Planet Are-You-Kidding, getting boob jobs and going to the shops in a helicopter.
Here are 10 reasons why the Real Housewives will always beat us boring, everyday housewives hands down…
- While we're at the Co-op, marvelling over a 3 for 2 offer on potato waffles, Real Housewives are shopping at Barneys for Louis Vuitton, or sourcing more marble for their kitchen counters. (In the world of the RH, you simply cannot have too much marble.)
- We hold down jobs and look after kids. Real Housewives ride horses in the hills with guys called Slade, do wine tasting and get their chakras cleaned twice a week.
- We drink £4.99 Chardonnay. The Real Housewives have their OWN BRAND of Chardonnay.
- When we see our friends, we just hang out. When the Real Housewives see each other, a crater opens up in the earth belching fire - followed by an amazing diamond-encrusted fist fight in a fancy restaurant.
- We bought an egg slicer from the Lakeland catalogue. They bought a Faberge Egg from the Tiffany's catalogue.
- While we struggle through the chores with barely a moment to think about the state of hair, the Real Housewives get an hourly blow dry from a top hairdresser called Guido.
- Our to-do list is as follows – work, grocery shopping, school run, washing, homework, dinner, cleaning. Their to do list? Gym, get divorced, shopping, pedicure, lunch, nose job, shopping, therapist, marry a toy boy, open your own restaurant, fall asleep on 100,000 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets.
- Our partners usually do mundane jobs. But if you're a Real Housewife, your husband runs a global software firm/invented Post-Its. OR, if you're a Housewife of New Jersey, he's doing 20 for taking out some guy called Joe ‘Boots' Vermicelli. Either way, you are richer than God.
- Our holidays usually involve kids, self-catering and stress. Their vacations are in St. Barts and involve butlers, maids, cocktails in coconuts and thrilling affairs with pool guys who look like Johnny Depp.
- Actual housewives have all their own original body parts. The Real Housewives are (probably) made of super galvanised flesh-toned Kevlar with an 80 year guarantee. They're durable, indestructible, and long may they continue to entertain us with their faaaahbulous antics…