The Real Housewives Of New Jersey

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Real Housewives of New Jersey

So you wanna be a budget Real Housewife of New Jersey?

Of course you don't. Except you do! Well you will when you read this list of budget ways for us non-famous norms to emulate the lovely lady stars of Real Housewives of New Jersey.

As international audiences find it hard to care about your confessional camera sessions, send your soul-baring, accusatory clips in a weekly email to friends, ex-friends and family. Remember to use the present tense for that live commentary feel.

So you've run out of drama to confront people with at parties and in restaurants. Don't worry! It's just constant yelling, right? You can do that on your own, dummy. Weddings, funerals, supermarkets, in the street, solo screaming in any of these places has the same end result –embarrassed, confused bystanders just trying to get on with their day. Bonus: you always win.

Release a cookbook like RHONJ stalwart Teresa. You could call it 'Averagely-proportioned Brit: Eat Stuff and Feel Guilty'. Failing that, simply write some stabby bits of venom calling out friends and family on post-its and stick them in a copy of Jamie's Kitchen.

Mildly embarrass yourself with a slightly NSFW Vine instead of a sex tape. You could do that thing where a close-up of the crease in your elbow fat looks like a bum crack.

No personal trainer to bitch to in your opulent home, or posh gym to bump into your monied enemies and air your dirty laundry between reps? Reveal your innermost feelings during Mandy's Step Aerobics in the town hall, or save yourself the fiver class fee and shout obscenities on your morning jog.

Spruce up!
Save on glossy black hair extensions, massive shiny earrings and fluttery false eyelashes by stapling binbags to your scalp, taping foil Bakewell tart cases to your earlobes and convincing several spiders to sit patiently on your eyelids waving their legs by having a snack pack of dead flies close to hand at all times. Remember to top off with frosted eyeshadow and an immobile forehead.

A la the reunion shows, every few months, fill a room with people you hate and invite someone to act as host. They can ineffectually mediate arguments and quote all your text messages while you have a massive scrap while wearing a satin prom dress. It's the RHONJ dream!