If only we could be more like Lisa Vanderpump. For a start, even the mere mention of her pumpy name makes everybody happy. (Go on, SAY IT! Say it 400 TIMES!). Also, she's obscenely glamorous in a Jackie Collins novel kind of way, and she approaches everything with a kind of sang froid that says ‘I went to key parties in the 70s and own a Halston jumpsuit, and I've seen EVERYTHING.'
She's got it made, so we've been watching Vanderpump Rules closely for ways to be the best boss we can be. And if we all take a leaf from La Pump's book, we could soon be running the world (or at least a half-empty restaurant in LA). So let's stop toiling away like ants for The Man, and learn some top power tips from the Lady Boss…
Pump doesn't break a sweat. If fact, she appears to do absolutely nothing at all, apart from occasionally waltzing in, flirting with the bartenders and upbraiding her willowy, model limbed waitresses about not getting enough tips. She does have a binder, though, which she opens a bit, then closes, then goes home. YOU DA BOSS, PUMPERS!
Employ a bunch of really hot, but really dumb people
Vanderpump's restaurant, SUR (which, believe it or not, stands for Special Unique Restaurant), is like a basket of cats, all clawing and pawing each other to death. Her staff all look awfully cute, young and attractive, but their pea-sized brains and manicured claws mean they can't help but fight each other. Take Stassi for example. Either her name is short for Anastasia, or she's named after the East German secret police. We can't decide. Anyway, she's hopeless, with a mind bogglingly entitled and bitchy attitude. ‘My Mom told me I was related to a Swedish princess, so I try to act like it' she bleats.
Ignore anything bad that ever happens
If your staff are threatening to kill each other, saying things like ‘I don't want to work with no man stealer' and egging each other on to be nasty to the new girl, look on with benign amusement. If they're all sleeping with each other and cheating and having vicious rows behind the scenes, sigh and roll your eyes. It's fine – you've got another restaurant anyway, and your ancient husband Ken (who looks like a nodding Troll Doll you might put on the dashboard of your car) is richer than the King of Siam.
Sit around eating sushi while your restaurant implodes with bitchiness
One of the perks of being a Lady Boss is that work becomes a distant concept, easily replaced by waving one's arms around and taking the day off to get your eyelids grouted. So while everything is going horribly wrong at the restaurant, La Pump decides to pour herself a massive glass/chalice of wine and sample some of the chef's new specialities. While she's downing a truckload of sashimi and deep fried shallots, waitresses Stassi and Scheana are murdering each other with hammers – but you know, whatever.
Make sure your newest member of staff has slept with your enemy
A good business is nothing without drama, so employ staff based on their scandalous personal life. Even better if your latest server, Scheana, has slept with Eddie Cibriani, the wayward ex of your Beverly Hills Housewife nemesis Brandi Glanville. Also, it helps if she harbours ambitions to be a pop star, so that we can all laugh at her trying to be sexy in a recording studio as a bunch of bored engineers look on, wishing they had bigger headphones.
Talk the talk (then walk)
When you're talking about your restaurant, say vague things like ‘I'm in charge of the way the restaurant looks' and ‘I think personality makes a great server' while propping up the bar. Stare at Jax and Tom the bartenders, whose hair and cheekbones defy gravity. Then go home. A lot. Don't forget your binder, Pump! (Oh, she did.)